What about Morty-style psychic shields?

We can just make vaccines from autistic people

Their meat is oily and diseased?

Firefly: a lightning bug

Lightning bug: a firefly

Fire bug: an arsonist

Lightning fly: ??? The electric eel of the dragonfly world?

“Is that bat glowing?”

That’s no bat. Run!"

[Electrical crackling sounds]

“I cast 200 μg Luciferin.”

[Dice noises]

“Nat 15. Your abdomen glows and dims slowly and rhythmically.”

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/fact-check-project-2025s-heritage-foundation-donors-have-included-coors-walmart-and-exxonmobil/ar-BB1pPBTC

Looks like the Federalist Society is connected, too. It’s like the Who’s Who of Homogeny, Exclusion, and Inequity. Somebody give me an L-word so we can call them what they are.

I’m not doing the whole “Everyone I don’t agree with is a Nazi.” I mean, very specifically, this is the strategy used by unaccountable, ultrawealthy people to wield their power recklessly for an extremist movement that they’re going to lose control of. It just happens to be the best-known, contemporary archetypal, right-wing-flavor of the revolutionary bait-and-switch.

They failed to pay troll toll, unlike Russia. Glad they got charged. Now add the Russian offenders, too. Otherwise, this just comes across as a distraction: “See? We really are maintaining cybersecurity! Honest!”

I’m definitely with you on that in spirit. I would starve if I actually practiced that across the board. I figure if we start from the top down, maybe we can get the co-ops to come back. Our neighborhood co-op grocery closed down not too long ago, and all that’s left are national chains.

Good read. It’s definitely AI.

Can we add bigger offenders like Wal-Mart and Amazon?

Song Title: Neelix Can Fuck Off

By Tuvok

[Verse 1]

I don’t need your weird food, I don’t need your smile

You’re always in my face, but you’re not worth my while

Trying to play the hero, but you’re just a joke

You never shut up, and it’s time you woke—

[Pre-Chorus]

I’m a Vulcan, man, I’m cool and I’m composed

But your antics, Neelix, are getting exposed

Every time you talk, every time you cheer

It’s just noise in my ears—get out of here!

[Chorus]

Neelix can fuck off, I’ve had enough

Your corny jokes, they’re not my stuff

You’re not funny, and you’re not wise

It’s time to say goodbye—goodbye, goodbye!

[Verse 2]

You think you’re the heart of this damn crew

But the truth is, Neelix, nobody cares about you

You can’t cook, you can’t think, and your laugh is a crime

Now it’s my turn to make some noise and speak my mind—

[Pre-Chorus]

I’m a Vulcan, man, I’ve got a steady hand

But you’re chaos in a kitchen, no longer in demand

Every time you touch that food, it’s a disaster

Neelix, you’re a problem, not a master!

[Chorus]

Neelix can fuck off, I’ve had enough

Your corny jokes, they’re not my stuff

You’re not funny, and you’re not wise

It’s time to say goodbye—goodbye, goodbye!

[Bridge]

I’m done with your antics, done with your pranks

Just stop trying to mess with my brain

Take your weird-ass food and go far away

I’ll be here, silent, and I’ll be okay!

[Chorus]

Neelix can fuck off, I’ve had enough

Your corny jokes, they’re not my stuff

You’re not funny, and you’re not wise

It’s time to say goodbye—goodbye, goodbye!

[Outro]

Goodbye, Neelix, I’m done with the show

You can stay in the kitchen, but just go

I don’t care, I don’t care anymore

Neelix, don’t knock on my door!

Neelix can fuck off!

Thankfully, there aren’t any ads here. Just the thought of it stresses me out, and when I get stressed out, I reach for a Morley cigarette to keep my cool. The toasted tobacco and asbestos filter make for a smoother smoke, which soothes the throat. 9 out of 10 anti-ad, Fediverse, activists choose Morleys to keep up their pep and vigor in the fight against advertisement.

Trump’s Speech on the Supreme Court Decision

(Delivered at a Rally in Florida, March 5th, 2025)

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you! Thank you! What an incredible crowd we have here tonight. The biggest crowd. I’ve seen a lot of rallies, folks, but this one? This is special. We’ve got patriots, we’ve got hard-working Americans, and we’ve got people who love their country—something that, by the way, the radical left and these corrupt institutions absolutely do not understand.

And let me tell you, folks, we are in a fight. A big fight. The biggest fight we’ve ever had. Maybe even bigger than 2016, maybe even bigger than 2020, when, you know, they did a lot of things—bad things, very bad things. But now, we’re seeing something that nobody ever thought possible. The Supreme Court—you know, the Supreme Court that we worked so hard to fix, to make strong, to make fair—they’re trying to stop a duly elected president from exercising his constitutionally given powers. Can you believe that? Can you believe it?

Now, let me tell you what’s happening. This is a Supreme Court that we thought was on the side of law and order, on the side of the people, on the side of America. But it turns out, folks, that we’ve got a problem. A big problem. Because they’ve gone woke! That’s right. The woke mob has taken over everything, folks. It’s in our schools, it’s in our military, and now, it’s in our Supreme Court.

They don’t want us to govern. They don’t want a strong America. They want America last, not America first. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. And so, they come in, they make these ridiculous rulings, rulings that make absolutely no sense, rulings that are designed to weaken the president, weaken the presidency, and weaken our country.

And now, folks, they’re telling me—me, your president—that I don’t have the authority to do what the Constitution says I can do. The Constitution, folks, the greatest document ever written. Maybe the Bible is a little ahead, but the Constitution? A close second. A close second! And they are trampling all over it.

So let me tell you what I think. These justices, these so-called justices, they should resign. Or maybe they should be impeached. What do you think? (Crowd chants “Impeach! Impeach!”) Yeah, I think so too. Because let me tell you something, when the highest court in the land starts making decisions that hurt the American people, that hurt our country, that hurt our ability to govern properly, then they have to go. It’s that simple. They have to go!

We cannot let this stand, folks. We can’t. Because if we do, then we no longer have a country. It’s very simple. No borders, no law, no order, no country. And you know who’s happy about this? China. Oh, they love it. Russia? They love it. The globalists, the deep state, the radical left—they’re all laughing at us right now. They’re saying, “Wow, we got them again!”

But let me tell you something, folks. We are not going to let them get away with it. No, no, no. We are going to fight. And we’re going to fight like we’ve never fought before. We’re going to fight, fight, fight!

And I’ll tell you what else we’re going to do. We’re going to appeal this ridiculous, disgraceful decision. We’re going to take it all the way. We’re going to appeal it to the Super Supreme Court! That’s right, the Super Supreme Court!

Now, some people are saying, “Mr. President, is there a Super Supreme Court?” Well, maybe there should be! Maybe we need one! Because let me tell you, folks, when the regular Supreme Court gets it wrong, when they start playing politics instead of following the law, then we need to go a step higher. A step bigger. A step better. That’s what we do, folks. We build things bigger and better than anybody else.

And let me tell you something else. This is not just about me. This is about you. This is about every hardworking American who wants a government that actually works for them, not against them.

Because when the Supreme Court says that your president can’t do his job, when they say that we have to bow down to the bureaucrats, to the corrupt politicians, to the special interests, then what do we have left? We have nothing!

But I have a message for them, and it’s a very simple one: We will never surrender. We will never stop fighting. And we will take back our country!

Because you see, folks, this is bigger than one ruling. This is bigger than one decision. This is about the entire system that they are trying to rig against us. You’ve seen it. You’ve lived it.

We saw it in 2016 when they said we couldn’t win. We won. We saw it in 2020 when they did, let’s just say, “interesting things” to make sure we didn’t win. But guess what? We’re coming back. And in 2024, we won again. They don’t want to admit it, but we did. And now, they’re trying to stop us from governing.

But here’s the thing, folks. They can try all they want, but they will not stop us. Not now, not ever. Because we have something they don’t have. We have the people! (Crowd erupts in cheers.) That’s right!

You are the movement. You are the revolution. You are the reason why we are going to win this fight. Because you love America. Because you want law and order. Because you want common sense. And I’ll tell you what, that’s exactly what we’re going to give you.

So here’s what we’re going to do. First, we’re going to keep fighting this terrible, horrible ruling. We’re going to push back harder than ever before.

Second, we’re going to make sure that in 2026, we elect a Congress that actually works for the American people. We’re going to take back the Senate, we’re going to grow our majority in the House, and we’re going to start holding these corrupt people accountable.

And third, we are going to win in 2028. We are going to win so big, folks, they won’t even know what hit them. They’ll be crying. They’ll be shaking. Because they know that when we win, America wins.

So let me just say this to the Supreme Court, to the deep state, to the radical left, to the corrupt media who lies about us every single day: We are not going anywhere. We are here to stay. And we will never stop fighting for the America we love.

Because together, we will Make America Great Again!

Thank you, Florida! I love you! God bless you, and God bless the United States of America!

(Crowd erupts into chants of “USA! USA! USA!”)

This has been a fake, AI-generated speech. I should not have to write this caveat, but here we are.

You have died of disin’ Terry.

Terry Crews wasn’t violent or anything. In fact, he was really polite, although it was clear his feelings were hurt. The shame and regret alone were too much for your will to live, and your life force simply sublimated from your body.

You have died of disin’ Terry.

Best copypasta of all time. We must always upvote these.

I’m honored. Thank you.

Undercover in Bloom: A Love Story (With Prison Time)

FBI Agent Irene Calloway had dedicated her career to taking down criminals, but nothing in her training had prepared her for the absurdity of posing as a florist. Yet here she was, the proud owner of Flowers By Irene, a totally-legit, definitely-not-a-front flower shop.

Her shop was a cover. The real operation happened every night when she parked her painfully obvious surveillance van across the street from her target: Dan Marino—not the football player, but a suspected money launderer.

The van, a white monstrosity covered in antennas and a cartoonishly large satellite dish, was supposed to blend in. It did not. The words Flowers By Irene were painted in elegant cursive on the side, as if that would somehow make it less suspicious.

For weeks, Irene monitored Dan’s every move. She had enough evidence to put him away for years. His shell companies, his offshore accounts, his suspiciously high pizza delivery bills. It was all there.

Then, one fateful morning, Dan walked into her shop.

“Hey,” he said, flashing a devastatingly illegal smile. “I need flowers.”

Irene nearly dropped a potted fern.

“Flowers?” she repeated, as if the concept was foreign to her.

Dan nodded. “Yeah. My apartment feels… empty. Thought some flowers might liven it up.”

Irene narrowed her eyes. Was this a trick? Did he suspect her?

But no. He just stood there, looking obnoxiously handsome, waiting for a floral recommendation.

“Uh… lilies?” she offered.

Dan grinned. “I’ll take ‘em.”

That should have been the end of it. A one-time visit.

But the next day, he came back.

“Roses today,” he said. “For myself.”

“A little romantic, don’t you think?” she teased.

Dan smirked. “Maybe I’m just hoping my florist finds it charming.”

Irene was doomed.

Each day, he returned. Each night, she sat in her van, watching him commit federal crimes.

By day, he was charming, funny, and surprisingly passionate about floral arrangements. By night, he was deep in the criminal underworld. She had everything she needed to arrest him.

And yet.

She was falling. Hard.

One evening, as she sat in her van listening to his latest shady phone call, her partner, Agent Lewis, side-eyed her.

“You like him,” Lewis accused.

“I do not,” Irene said, lying.

“You’re literally twirling your hair right now.”

Irene immediately stopped twirling her hair.

Lewis smirked. “You do know we’re arresting him soon, right?”

Her stomach dropped.

Right. The arrest.

She tried to tell herself she didn’t care. That she was a professional. That she wasn’t emotionally compromised.

But when the SWAT team stormed Dan’s apartment at dawn, Irene’s heart ached.

She stood in the background as they cuffed him, watching as realization dawned in his eyes.

“You,” he said, looking straight at her.

Irene swallowed hard. “Dan… I—”

His smirk returned. “I knew it. The van was way too suspicious.”

She groaned. “I told them to use a smaller satellite dish!”

“Yeah, that might’ve helped.” He looked down at his cuffs, then back at her. “So… what happens now?”

“Now?” Irene sighed. “You go to prison.”

Dan grinned. “And then?”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s it, Dan. You go to prison. End of story.”

Dan winked. “We’ll see.”

Two Years Later…

Irene really hadn’t expected to still be thinking about him.

She had gone on dates. Normal, law-abiding dates. But no one made her laugh like Dan did.

Then, one day, a letter arrived at her shop.

“You still owe me flowers. – Dan”

Against all logic, she wrote back.

For months, they exchanged letters. Flirty, ridiculous, completely inappropriate letters.

Then, the day he got out of prison, he walked into her shop like nothing had happened.

“Miss me?” he asked, leaning on the counter.

Irene wanted to be mad. She really did. But instead, she sighed.

“Are you at least going to try being a law-abiding citizen?”

Dan grinned. “For you? Maybe.”

“That’s not reassuring.”

“Then how about this—I’m done with crime. Clean slate. No more shady businesses, no more offshore accounts. Just me… and my favorite FBI agent.”

Irene definitely did not melt at that.

“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But if you do any more crimes—”

Dan held up his hands. “No crimes. Scout’s honor.”

She crossed her arms. “You were never a scout.”

“Okay, but I’m serious. No more trouble. Just flowers. And, uh… maybe one small thing?”

She narrowed her eyes. “What?”

He pulled a ring from his pocket.

Irene forgot how to breathe.

“Marry me?” Dan said, smirking.

She stared at him. “Dan. You literally just got out of prison.”

“Exactly. Fresh start.”

She groaned. “Oh my God, I’m going to regret this.”

Dan wiggled the ring. “Sooo… yes?”

She exhaled. “Fine.”

Dan grinned. “Told you I’d win you over.”

She rolled her eyes. “Shut up and kiss me, ex-con.”

He did.

Mission: Grocery Haul – The Fallen Bananas Memorial

Project Code Name: OPERATION CART-STORM

Prologue: The Briefing

David “The Planner” Reynolds sat at his kitchen table, a war-room map of Supermart 3000 spread before him. Every aisle was marked with strategic objectives and potential hazards. A spreadsheet titled Grocery Acquisition & Deployment Strategy – Q1 glowed on his laptop screen.

He adjusted his earpiece. “Control, this is David. Do you read me?”

A long sigh. “Dave, it’s me. Your wife. You’re just going grocery shopping.”

“Negative, Control. This is a precision operation. I’ll report back upon mission completion.”

Phase One: The Grocery Gauntlet

David executed the plan with military efficiency.

• Bread and Dairy: Secured with no resistance.
• Frozen Foods: Avoided high-risk impulse-buy zones. Budget ice cream acquired.
• Produce Aisle: Engaged in evasive maneuvers to avoid a slow-moving cart convoy.

Within 38 minutes, he was checked out, loaded up, and en route home. A textbook success.

Or so he thought.

Phase Two: The Discovery

The moment he unloaded the groceries, his wife—Control—conducted post-mission verification.

“David… where are the bananas?”

His heart stopped. The bananas.

He scrambled through the bags. Milk? Check. Eggs? Check. Coffee? Check.

Bananas? Gone.

He staggered back. The air seemed thinner.

They were lost. Left behind. A casualty of war.

His wife folded her arms. “Go back and get them.”

David looked out the window, eyes distant. “I can’t.”

Her brow furrowed. “What do you mean, you can’t?”

He exhaled. “They’re gone now. Their fate… is sealed.”

“David. Just go back to the store.”

But David had already turned, walking toward the backyard. A memorial had to be held.

Phase Three: The Fallen Bananas Memorial

Dressed in his darkest jacket, David stood in the backyard, a solemn expression on his face. On the patio table sat a single empty grocery bag, symbolizing the loss.

A missing man formation of fruit was arranged before him:

• Three apples, standing proud.
• A lone orange, solemn and unwavering.
• A single pear, its position slightly off-center, as if grieving.

David took a deep breath and began the eulogy.

“We gather here today to honor the bananas that never made it home. Though they were written on the list, though they were meant to stand among us… fate had other plans.”

His wife watched from the doorway, arms crossed. “You’re doing too much.”

David continued undeterred.

“They were meant for smoothies, for lunches, for quick snacks between Zoom calls. But instead… they were left behind, abandoned in Aisle 5. I carry this weight. I will not forget them.”

He saluted the missing bananas.

A moment of silence.

A slight breeze rustled the leaves. Somewhere, a car alarm went off in the distance.

His wife sighed. “Are you done?”

David exhaled, nodding. “The mission was flawed. But I will do better.”

She rolled her eyes. “Just go back to the store.”

But David had already turned away, eyes fixed on the horizon.

Some losses must be accepted.

Public came in, and they caught me red-handed

Working for the state next door

Picture this we were outright flagrant

Me supporting Russia’s war

Putin is now laughing with his

Little Chinese buddy, Xi

All this time, they were plotting a

Geopolitical spree

But they caught me up in Moscow (it wasn’t me)

Saw me tariff Nova Scotia (it wasn’t me)

I wasted water down in So-Cal (it wasn’t me)

They caught me on a recording (it wasn’t me)

Found all my secret file folders (it wasn’t me)

I’m an immune office holder (it wasn’t me)

Watched my mob gettin’ louder (it wasn’t me)

Seems like they’re a big pushover.

Then, they’ll be American citizens who are also wealthy. They’re very rarely criminals. Just look at their incarceration rates! Practically insignificant.