“Are the transgenders in the room with you now, sir?” Irish Prime Minister Micheál Martin asked the most orange man in the world, President Krasnov in the oval office.

Krasnov declared, “Everything is transgender. Everybody is transgender. That is all you hear about and that is why we won the election in record numbers. Also they are hurting women very badly.”

Micheál Martin leaned back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap. “So what you’re saying is… the transgenders are here. Right now. With us.”

Krasnov hesitated. His eyes darted around the Oval Office—the grand curtains, the gold-trimmed Resolute Desk, the bust of Churchill watching them in silent judgment. He exhaled sharply. “I’m saying they’re everywhere. The media. The schools. The military. Even… even here, perhaps.”

A tense silence settled over the room full of reporters.

Krasnov, tiny hands splayed, nodded sagely. “I see you’re doubtful but it’s true. I’ve been saying it for years. People didn’t believe me. They laughed. But now? Look at what’s happening. Look at the numbers, folks. We won the election in record numbers because the American people know. They know the truth.”

Martin tapped his fingers against the armrest. “And what truth is that, Mister President?”

Krasnov leaned in, lowering his voice to a whisper. “That everything is transgender now. It’s in the air, the water. You drink a Diet Coke? Boom—transgender. You turn on your microwave? Guess what? Transgender. You use a self-checkout at Walmart? Folks, I hate to say it… but that machine is gender non-conforming at best.”

Martin sighed, “Sir, we should speak on the economy and the tariffs you’ve placed on Ireland! Fiddle dee dee, potatoes!”

Trump waved him off. “The economy is fine. Best economy in history, actually. But you know what’s not fine? The radical gender agenda. The woke mind virus. We have to stop it, and we will. Believe me, we will.”

Martin let out a slow breath. “And how, exactly, do you plan to do that?”

POTUS smiled. “We are going to have the greatest, most incredible ban you’ve ever seen. A total and complete shutdown of transgender until we figure out what the hell is going on.”

The Irish Prime Minister cleared his throat. “Sir, respectfully, I don’t think that’s how gender works.”

Krasnov frowned. “Martin, you know, I thought you were on our side. People said you were strong on this issue. But now? I’m not so sure. Frankly, some people are saying you might be transgender. Not me, of course—I would never say that. But people are saying it. A lot of people. Yuge numbers.”

Martin’s face turned red. “Mr. President, I am not—”

Just then, the lights flickered. The air in the room grew unnaturally cold. The American flag in the corner shuddered as if caught in an invisible breeze.

Martin sat up straighter. “Did you feel that?”

Krasnov swallowed. “Yes. They’re here.”

A voice echoed from nowhere and everywhere at once.

“We have always been here.”

The two men froze.

And then, the room went dark. All that could be heard were screams and the clickety-clacking of pills in plastic bottles.

And whose fault is it for defining everyone’s sex as being at time of conception?

Based on his own words, Trump is transgender.

Abolish Gender! No more gender! Mankind was never meant to enjoy diversity, much less define it within themselves. We are commodities. Human capital. We exist to be consumed. Why are these disgusting freaks and perverts coming in here and trying to treat people as autonomous, self-defined, agents of our own sociological change? Why do we keep treating people as more than cogs in a machine?!

Get in the box and do the work. Make me the money. Stop self-actualizing! Stop pursuing self-improvement! Stop inventing your own identities and cultures! STOP HAVING GENDER!

We do secretly run this country. We’re putting testosterone and estrogen in the water supply.

In reality, he’s failing to grasp that gender is a spectrum and anything that isn’t 100% one gender or the other scares him.